OK, I'm gonna try just writing for the sake of practice. Nothing really to say (yes, lifeexam, I suppose that makes me a fool...)... stream of consciousness, perhaps.
I got to visit my alma mater this past weekend and spend some good quality time with my roommates from last year, all of whom I consider to be very dear friends. It's amazing to look back and see God's hand in my life. He surrounded me with the greatest outpouring of love, peace, and clarity I've ever experienced. I was anxiously engaged in the best of causes. It's awesome to be able to revisit my safe haven from time to time.
Gosh, sometimes I look at myself, and all I see is cliches. I guess cliches are what keep us connected as societies in some ways, so I shouldn't knock myself too much for it.
Sometimes in life I have an enormous urge to go naked. To strip down to the quintessential MightyBob and bare who I am... no makeup, no excuses, no social inhibitions, caring not for social sanctions or whether I appear graceful... just to be seen for who I am. Sometimes I feel the need to blurt something really awkward on purpose or display something very unflattering of myself just to prove to the world (and partly to me) that those sides of me exist. But there's always the side of me that can't bear to risk the consequences of being seen for who and what I truly am... what might the recipients do with that knowledge? It hurts less to be rejected or misrepresented when you consider that someone's knowledge is skewed and incomplete. Hence the walls I inadvertently build and then endeavor to poke holes through. Maybe that's why I am fascinated with my eyes in self-portraits. Maybe I hope to say more than I can put to words by focusing on the "window to the soul." Can you see what I can't say? Probably not - whatever you see, you view through the lens of your personal context. Everyone is coming from a unique context. 'Tis the continual curse of mortal communication, I suppose. What's amazing to me is how I could have written this paragraph years ago, but never have I FELT the words I'm writing like I do now. Maybe that's just an illusion.
I get to present the research I did in Guatemala in two different conferences. One is coming up next week, and another at the end of March. I feel like there was so much I wasn't ready to process while I was there, that I'm still processing. How do I prune it all into a neat, coherent 12-minute presentation?
It's hard to clean my room. I want to save everything I see for just in case, but then I keep it in reserve until I forget about it and wouldn't know it was there if the need did arise.
5 comments:
I have felt like this before, though never so eloquently. I think that while it stinks, this sort of feeling makes the connection with close friends and a spouse (who see a person at less-than-their-best) all the more blessed and miraculous.
I mean, when you get down to it, there's hardly any room for the 'ordinary' - the world's too chock-full of miracles.
I'm sure there was a point when I started. Oh well. :)
Hope you're well, MB. Whatever else is true, you have great taste in blankets.
Sounds to me like you had a lot to say, but if it makes you feel better we're all fools. It's just a matter of timing.
Context is so crucial to understanding anything, whether it's ourselves, other people, politics, the gospel, whatever. It is a shame that most people seem quite eager to pass judgement based on limited knowledge viewed in a very narrow context. Anyway, I'm babbling.
Let us know what happens if you act on your desire to go streaking.
aw, shucks, guin... and you're an amazing cook.
lifeexam, umm... i'll keep you posted...
Interesting ideas. I sometimes think that no one really sees me for the way I really am. I can't truly show them the real me, because they might be disappointed that I am not who they thought I was. Then again, do I really know who I am? Or do I have a skewed view of myself?
Nice post "Bob". Eloquent, in fact. I would like to hear more about your research in Guatemala. How 'bout a post with some PowerPoint slides?
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